Discovering my Purpose

“Your leadership cannot be confined to the volume of your voice or personality. It is sacred just as it is.” 

This powerful statement was spoken over me during a time of confusion, inner turmoil and deep refinement. During the summer of 2019, I had the privilege of going to Huntington Beach, California to participate in an internship through Fellowship of Christian Athletes. Little did I know, this internship would change the trajectory of my life forever. 

To provide some context, going into that summer, I was consistently struggling with anxiety. My major was athletic training, and I could not help but feel like something was off. I was confident in the fact that God was calling me to work in a profession where I could help people. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed athletic training, but I felt this inner tension that was impossible to ignore. I was also nervous about being an upperclassman in the classroom and on the volleyball court. I wanted to get over the fear of using my voice in front of large groups of people. I wanted to be the perfect leader. As the stakes got higher, my anxiety only worsened. I was literally anxious about being anxious and I was too scared to reach out for help because I did not understand what was going on in my head. 

This was the turning point. From this place, I went into the internship where I was given a Biblical perspective on purpose and leadership. But more than anything, I was given the foundation and space to really learn who God is and then learn about who God has made me to be. Here is my story.

Learning a Biblical Perspective

I arrived in California where I was greeted by interns, team leaders and staff members. I have never met a group of people so outwardly hungry for Jesus, growth, and community. It was amazing to see and feel the expectancy and excitement in the room for what God was going to do. 

Sierra, the internship director, opened the floor with a message on Genesis 1:28-31 where God blesses the creation of human beings. In his first interaction with humans, we can see that God is invitational. He is with us and for us. He chooses to let us work in His garden together because we get to be with Him and build a relationship. Sierra talked about how His garden is still available to us now and she challenged us to tend to our gardens, whether that looked like personal growth, resting the soil, pruning, healing, etc. Bearing fruit doesn’t always have to look like production. Tending the garden looks like seasons. 

She proceeded to talk about how Jesus loves and believes in His creation. According to Hebrews 12:2, it was Jesus’ joy to die on the cross. He loves us so much that He willingly laid His life down in our place and died the death that we deserved. Jesus is “for” people oftentimes before they are even “for” themselves. For example, in John 4:7-26, the woman at the well was not “for” herself because she went to the well alone in the middle of the day. She was drowning in sexual sin, so she avoided people because of her shame. Despite barriers of culture, religion, and gender, Jesus reaches out to this woman with kindness and respect. Jesus broke every social norm to engage her and say, I see you and I am for you.

After studying the character of God, we transitioned into studying and knowing ourselves better. Because who we are, should naturally affect the way we lead those around us. We began processing through our values and passions because the things that matter to us can give us insight into our purpose. What comes up inside of ourselves could be Jesus speaking to us. Being our authentic selves is actually the best way to influence the world.

So, who am I? Well, that’s a great question. It was finally time to get epically honest with myself. What makes me, me? What makes life meaningful? What are moments in my life that left me feeling fulfilled? Where did my contributions make a difference? What are upsetting moments that have always stuck with me? What am I proud of? What am I afraid of? What would I fight for if nobody else did? As I worked through this process of self-reflection, themes began popping up. Times of personal fulfillment typically involved connection, vulnerability, trust, authenticity, acceptance, and belonging, while times of unrest and fear typically involved loneliness, rejection and shame. To condense our findings, we created a “why” statement. In other words, this meant discovering and summarizing what God cares about and what I also care about, because He’s placed that desire in me.

My why statement was: “to create a space of belonging so that people can feel the freedom to be their authentic selves.” For me to feel like I belong, I typically need to feel seen, heard, and known. When I look back at moments where I’ve felt most loved, it almost always involves other people creating a safe space for my voice to be heard. Therefore, I wanted to help create that environment for others.

We then discussed the idea of striving to be healthy leaders. First of all, healthy does not mean perfect. Healthy leaders are open to learning and committed to being developed. Healthy leaders are the first to deal with the things coming up inside of them. When we bring our full selves to the table, it gives others permission to do the same because vulnerability breeds vulnerability.

Discovering My Purpose Amidst My Suffering

Before I knew it, my internship had wrapped up and I was back at school for another semester. As the season and school year picked up, ruminating thoughts overtook me. I was also in a relationship at the time and felt like I was failing as a girlfriend because my tank was empty. I begged God to take the anxiety away, but it continued to wreak havoc on my mind. The anxiety kept me up at night because I couldn't get my mind to power off. One time, I randomly woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t breathe. My body was shaking, and I felt nauseous, so I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor until I was able to catch my breath again. That was the first time I ever experienced a panic attack before, and it was terrifying. I was scared it was going to happen again if I didn’t make changes. I needed to not only be honest with myself, but with others too. It was time to put my pride aside. 

I opened up to a few trusted friends and mentors and they responded with empathy and grace. They encouraged me to go to therapy and so I began going weekly. Going to therapy for the first time was nerve racking. I had no idea what to expect. I met my counselor, sat down and began talking through what was bringing me into counseling. Then, in the middle of the session, I had a moment of epiphany. As I was looking at my counselor, I had a visual come into my head of me being the counselor and my counselor being the client. I didn’t bring it up in the session because I had no clue where it came from or if it meant anything. However, this visual planted itself deep in my heart and mind. 

A few weeks later, after discussing my anxiety with my counselor, I decided to try going on antidepressants. This wasn’t an easy decision. As a Christian, I felt embarrassed that I could not get my anxious thoughts under control. I was praying daily, reading the Bible, writing bible verses on my hand to remind me of the truth, and yet I was still struggling. Since then, I’ve continually come to realize that seeking medical care for mental health struggles is not a lack of faith or a rejection of God’s provision. In fact, doctors, therapists, scientific research, medication and advances in health technologies often are His provision. After about two weeks of going on medication, I noticed a change in my body. I was finally able to sleep until my alarm went off in the morning and my body was no longer shaking when I woke up. It is important to note that even if meds don’t fix all the problems at hand, they might be just what people need to get out of bed, go to therapy and go on a walk. Medication does not fix everything, but it can make it so the lows aren’t so low and stabilize individuals enough so that they can function in day-to-day life.

Healing is not linear. I still struggled with anxiety for the rest of the semester, some days more than others, but the big difference was that I knew I wasn’t alone. I continued to feel uneasy about my major which terrified me. I was too far in to consider switching majors, nor did I want to go through the hassle of switching. Halfway through junior year, I began having intentional conversations with friends and mentors about my passions and gifts. My mind continually went back to my first counseling appointment when I had that lightbulb moment. I began journaling, praying, reflecting and doing research about the possibility of becoming a licensed professional counselor. In time, this dream only continued to grow and become clearer. Christmas break of my senior year rolled around, and it was time to apply for graduate school. Two months later, I was accepted into Messiah’s Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling program! That was one of the best days of my life! I was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace because I knew that this is exactly what God has created me for. All the puzzle pieces were finally coming together. I began to see the puzzle pieces from the internship and my experiences in the following season all align. I believe I am here to create a space of belonging so that people can feel the freedom to be their authentic selves! What better place to fulfill this calling than through counseling?! 

You Also Have Purpose!

To those who are questioning their calling, God is working in ways you cannot even fathom. When I went to counseling for the first time, I had no idea that God was going to use that experience to plant a tiny seed that would grow into what it is today. Remember that God is with you, and He is actively working through you and your surroundings. Ask that God would give you eyes and ears to recognize His voice. You never know who or what God will use to speak to you.

You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now in order for God to use you how he intends to. There was a large duration of time where I was studying athletic training knowing I was not going to be using it after graduation. It was very frustrating at times, but now as I look back, I can see how that experience was not a waste. I was able to provide care and support for college and high school athletes through my field experiences where I witnessed the prevalence of mental health struggles within athletics. As aggravating as that season was, athletic training was what led me to realize that counseling was an even better fit for me. It was all part of God’s plan that he strategically designed. 

Lastly, to those who are doubting their capabilities, remember that when God calls you, He already factors in your shortcomings. Keep in mind that the enemy may shame you in the area God most wants to use you. The last thing the devil wants is for you to have any kind of kingdom impact. So, one of his tactics is to fill you with shame to keep you isolated. I’ve been there. If that’s you, please be encouraged that there is hope on the other side. You are not alone. Jesus is for you before you are even for yourself. There is forgiveness and redemption. Someday, your story may be someone else’s lifeline. So, let’s strive to be obedient to wherever God is calling us because people will see Jesus through our insufficiencies and then God will get the honor and glory. 

Amanda Dahlman

Hi everyone! My name is Amanda Dahlman, and I am a former college volleyball player. I graduated from Messiah University in May of 2021, and now I am pursuing a master's degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. I am deeply passionate about the intersection of mental health, sports and faith. I am a lover of Jesus, meaningful conversations, cuddling with dogs, receiving hugs, and sunshine.