My Weakness, His Strength

The first time I remember experiencing anxiety was when I was 15 years old. Since then, my struggle with anxiety and mental health has been a roller coaster ride. As a college athlete, it feels like mental weakness is not an option. The world of athletics screams that we need to be the best athlete we can be and to do that we must constantly push ourselves to the next level. 

Messiah Volleyball

Playing on Messiah’s Volleyball team has truly been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I have been welcomed with open arms into a family. I have learned that volleyball can be used as a vehicle to further God’s kingdom here on earth. I have made friends that make me feel seen, known, and loved. I have been pushed to recognize and accept my broken pieces and live authentically for His glory. But getting to that point took work.

My sophomore year, Coach Motheral invited the team to pick a word to focus on. I chose the word intimacy. For me, this looked like drawing closer to the Lord through honest conversation. It meant addressing sin and shame that I had tucked away. As I became more intimate with God, I was able to have deep, honest conversations with my teammates and those around me. I began taking baby steps toward acknowledging my past and bringing it to God. Let me tell you...that was hard work. I learned that God can only heal what I give Him access to. He wants to clean out our hearts, but we have to unlock the door.

The Hardest Summer of my Life

The summer of 2019 was the hardest summer of my life. I was an intern for Fellowship of Christian Athletes in Huntington Beach, CA. Going into the internship, I feared being fully intimate with others due to guilt and shame. I constantly battled the lie that I couldn’t be a great leader because I’m an introvert. I became overly critical of my personality and leadership style. I grew confused and angry at God. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like people didn’t see, hear, or know me.

That’s when God began revealing His truth to me. God broke down walls of insecurity and showed me that He uses every single part of my story for His glory. My story can connect, unify, free, and communicate worthiness to myself and those I let in. When I brought my brokenness to light, shame left and freedom flooded in. God sees me when I feel invisible. He knows me better than I know myself. God hears me and knows my every thought. God understands me completely. I belong to my Heavenly Father. I am created with a purpose. I am His beloved daughter. My personality is not a mistake.

At the end of the day, the truths of scripture are more important than my feelings. Feelings are indicators, not dictators. I acknowledged lies I had been believing about myself for so long and reclaimed my identity in Christ. That summer changed my life.

Transitioning out of a challenging summer, I was hopeful that junior year wouldn’t be quite as difficult, but I was wrong. As my list of responsibilities grew, my anxiety skyrocketed. I had never admitted that anxiety was a part of me. I felt weak. I felt like I didn’t have enough faith or trust in God. I was embarrassed. I felt alone in this struggle. I reached my breaking point. I had to tell someone or the anxiety was going to consume me from the inside out. I started by opening up to a few teammates, my coach, my mom, and then seeking professional help. Getting help and talking about it was the best decision I ever made. Vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but strength. It takes so much courage to be vulnerable, but it’s worth the risk.

Honestly, it got worse before getting better; but, it helped tremendously knowing I had people comforting and encouraging me each step of the way. I doubted God at times, asking why he would put me in the situations that he did.

But God always seems to first change us and then our circumstances. As the Holy Spirit grows our inner self through endurance, more of our outer self is put to death.

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Romans 5:3-4

The Spirit is at work to change our character for the better. This year, my word is hope. Hope redirects my wandering heart back to Christ. Jesus is my hope when I feel hopeless. He is my stability. He is my anchor. I can persevere knowing that my suffering will produce hope in Jesus Christ. 

Saturate your mind in scripture. I struggled to dive into my Bible daily; therefore, I struggled to keep an eternal perspective on my circumstances. The enemy wants us to be so focused on the size of our problem that we lose sight on how big God is and how big we are in Him. Create space to have quiet time with your Heavenly Father. When I started to become real with Jesus, the closeness between us grew substantially. Pour out your heart to Him because He can handle your doubts and your pain. Step into vulnerability with those you trust. One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is our brokenness.

Vulnerability breeds trust and fosters genuine connection. We are not meant to journey through life alone. Suffering is an opportunity to exalt Christ. Faithful suffering encourages others to praise God through their hardships too.

Truthfully, I never thought I’d end up at Messiah. I never planned on playing college volleyball, but here I am. I’m grateful to have one more volleyball season left with my team. I treasure every single moment with them. I’m not sure where God will take me beyond Messiah, but I know that my story doesn’t come from trying to figure it all out, it comes from intimacy with Jesus. Thank you, God, for giving me what I didn’t know I needed. You are sovereign. You are trustworthy. You are good. All the glory and honor is Yours.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” -Ephesians 3:20

Amanda Dahlman

Hi friends! My name is Amanda Dahlman and I'm currently a junior at Messiah College but I'm originally from Wisconsin. I'm majoring in athletic training and I play on Messiah's volleyball team. I have a heart for building meaningful relationships through the platform of sports, cultivating spaces of belonging and receiving warm hugs.