One Way To Become a Better Teammate

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” - James 1:19

I’ve been reading the Lord of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien… it’s been on my bucket list ever since I was a little girl! Finally, I feel like I have the time and space to read it and I’m LOVING it. Out of all the different characters the elves were the most intriguing. They are wise and precise. Each move feels calculated and thought through. One of the elves named Gildor said this: “Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.” The way Tolkien portrays the elves are fascinating! In other words, because the elves are “wise”, they rarely give advice.

I’m so sorry for ‘nerding’ out on you for a moment, but through reading Lord of the Rings, being a coach, and leading several small groups and bible studies, I’ve decided there is one thing that makes someone an amazing teammate and friend: Listening.

Listening can be hard, especially if we think that we can fix something for someone. Here are my 2 encouragements on being a better listener:

1. Be a good listener and advice receiver - before you are an advice giver.

Just the other day I was sitting down for coffee with two high school seniors. We were talking about the different college options that are spread out in front of them. One girl (let’s call her Angela) felt overwhelmed and almost embarrassed to follow her brother’s foot steps. She wants to make her own path and yet she really wants to go to the same school as him. As I sat there and listened, I watched the other student (we’ll call her Pam) jump in and begin to give advice. As this was happening, I noticed Angela’s posture change as her shoulders wilted.

Angela did not want advice. That’s not why she vulnerably shared how she was feeling. She just wanted to be heard and understood. And yet Pam wanted to be a good friend and had great intentions! But she thought the way to be a good friend was “help” and give advice.

Do you see the problem? Here’s my question to you: how often do you actually want advice from your friends and teammates when things are hard? For me, it’s almost never. Instead, I just don’t want to be alone. I want someone to be with me in the hard stuff. What if you tried to have an entire one hour lunch date with a friend/teammate, talking through life “stuff”, and you never game advice once. Do you think you could do that? I think two things would happen: 1. Your friend wouldn’t feel like you were trying to fix her but rather that you understand, and 2. You will be free from that responsibility! You will be free to just listen and try to understand.

Now, I will say, there is a time and a place for advice. The proverbs talk about listening to advice as a godly practice. But I believe this advice is sought after. If you have something you want help with, perhaps you seek advice and wisdom from someone you trust and respect their opinion. It might be a coach or a mentor. But let’s be quick to listen and receive, before we share our own opinions.

2. Focus more on being INTERESTED, rather than being interesting.

Another thing I see often is something called “cross talk”. For example, as Pam begins to talk about her frustrating conversation she had with her coach, Angela jumps in and begins to tell her story about her own conversation with the coach. However, the Pam feels like her story is overlooked and then has to tell another story in order to get her voice again.

This happens everywhere. It’s the classic “one-upping.” So often while we are “listening,” we are simply preparing how we can respond and relate it back to ourselves!

How often has this happened to you? How did it make you feel? For me, it makes me feel passed over. It makes me feel like my story is minimized. I feel minimized.

What if for an entire hour lunch date with a friend/teammate, you asked questions? What if you didn’t talk about your own life once? What if you spent the hour being fascinated by your friend? What if you were so interested in them, that you were actually excited about asking the next question to know them deeper? Sometimes I have such a strong desire to be known that I want to turn the conversation back to me. Sometimes I want so badly for them to care about me and think that I’m the interesting one, that I turn the conversation back to me. Does this sound familiar?

I want to challenge you to meet up with a friend and focus on being interested in them. I think that you will have a blast getting to know your friend more. AND I think they will feel so loved!

As an old Greek philosopher says: “We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less” - Diogenes. Let us listen more. Let us be slow to speak and slow to become angry. Let us be slow to give advice. Let us ask more questions than talking. Let us be more interested than interesting.

Natalie Lawrence

Hey FAM! I work for Fellowship of Christian Athletes where I specifically run a soccer ministry. I coach soccer all over Orange County and work with female athletes of all ages. I grew up in Southern California and played soccer at Point Loma Nazarene University where I studied exercise science and theology. My passion is to encourage others and bring them closer to Jesus! I also love all things my husband, Lakers, and the ocean!